From the mouths of babes

Alex's homework was to cut and paste words from magazines that started with B or P, and put them into two columns. He did this entirely independently, and when he was finished, his "P" column read "Power / Poison / People." It's true, I think.

From Molly's mouth, between 9 p.m. and 7 a.m. there has been much screaming, and much unwillingly bringing her to bed with us where we get kicked and screamed at and rolled onto, and there is much swearing about the pacifier. So we have bought Dr. Ferber's book to teach us to train her to sleep through the night. He says, Dr. Ferber does, that it should work within a week, but I notice there is no getting your $15.95 back if that is not the case. Last night she woke up many times between 9 and midnight, but only 1 other time at 4 a.m. We'll see if it works.

Daddy sends Alex to school

Josh got Alex up & out this morning as I had the inestimable joy of going to the dentist at 8 a.m. on a Monday. Walking him home, I learned that they couldn't find his homework folder, they couldn't find his shoes, and that the lunch box "didn't have a really lot of things in it." and that Alex had to eat the "class snack" of "prenzels. Even though I don't really like prenzels, I ate 'em anyway. I chewed them into a B, a P, and a Y first." I'm going to digress slightly to note that "prenzels" is a cute remaining Alexicism, as is "butcept", as in, "I usually like the class snack butcept when it's prenzels."

Then I noticed that his shorts looked really small and that his boxer briefs were poking out of the bottom. I began to suspect that these were Henry shorts. I checked the label -- 24 months. Yep, Alex at 61 months had actually fit into these things, although they were a bit streamlined. Thanks for the loaner, Henry.

Pimp my kids' education

Okay, I have pestered everybody relentlessly about how you, too, can help Alex's school through capitalism. I really apologize for beating you over the head, but this is just in case I missed anyone -- friends, family, complete strangers -- who is eager to help.

General Mills' Box Tops for Education -- worth $.10. Save 'em up for a while and mail them to me. If you follow the link and give them your email address you can get more for the school.

TARGET: If you have a Target Visa or Target Red card (or you're just dying to get one!), you can link it to Douglas and 1% from Target purchases and 1/2% from non-Target purchases goes to the school. According to my next-door neighbor and PTA treasurer, they get more money from Target than anyone else. Small wonder, I can't even get out of that store for under $100.

FOOD LION: Click on "Fundraising" under "In the Community" on the left and link your MVP card there. Link by name to Douglas Elementary.

HARRIS TEETER: Click on "Community", then "Together in Education", and link to your VIC card. The code for Douglas is 2294.

UPROMISE: This helps the kids directly by creating a fund they can use for college. You can either let me know and I will send you an invitation email, or there's a link for "offer to help a future student you care about." The account is shared between Alex and Molly. They have a total of nearly $1000 accumulated in just four years. If a few more people signed on, we might be able to get five or six thousand dollars by the time they go to school without doing a thing. That will pay for at least three textbooks.

CATALOGUE DOOHICKEYS: Yes, they are overpriced. Yes, they are kitchsy. But the school gets 40% so you're getting solicited anyway.

Thanks for listening -- again.

More photo-less meanderings

Okay, someday, we will replace our camera. In the meantime, be entertained with stories of my incompetence.

After much disgusting draining of our $12.50 Target inflatable swimming pool (it smelled like the elephant house at the zoo, killed all the grass leaving a muddy UFO landing spot, etc.), Josh and I elected to try to save it for another year by soaking it in bleach solution in the utility tub. That was Saturday. On Monday, Mayra, our babysitter, calls me and asks if she can do a load of laundry. No problem. Except I have forgotten that the pool is sitting in a bleach solution in the utility tub. The washing machine, of course, drains into the utility tub. The result is what appears to be 45,000 gallons of water on our carpeted garage floor. The garage that is chockablock with books, furniture, and assorted junk. The carpeted garage floor which has already absorbed some hurricane water and remains kind of yucky. Monday, Josh moves everything out of the garage and sets it outside to dry. Monday night, Josh works.

Rain is predicted for Tuesday. Jen calls on her guardian angel, Nana Kathy, to watch the kids while she attempts to tackle The Garage Project before it rains on everything and/or we start getting hate mail from the neighbors. Jen goes to Home Depot and buys a wet/dry shop vac which is also a leafblower. I know, it's weird. I wish everything could multitask -- it's a hair dryer, but it's also a food processor! It's a fax/scanner/copier/sewing machine! So if anyone needs one of these things, we've got one. I'm going to use it to vacuum the heck out of my car, just to amortize the cost a little, and maybe even blow a few leaves.

So anyway, Jen cranks up the iPod and starts to remove water from the carpet, which goes reasonably well. The shop vac has a little drain plug so you can just let the water drain out. After the first pass, she wheels it outside and lets the water drain onto the plants. The water is so horrifically disgusting she cannot bear to do it again to her plants, who are ignored enough as it is. So after the last pass over the carpet, she pours it in the utility sink. Much disgusting residue remains. The shop vac is too big to put in the sink, so she sets the shop vac down and begins pouring water in it to rinse it out. Here's the fun part: she hasn't replaced the drain plug! The water just goes back out onto the carpet! Woo hoo! It is about midnight or so at this point.

So we then move everything back into the garage. At 12:45 or so we watch Bill Clinton on the Daily Show, heavens bless the DVR. I want Bill Clinton back so much my teeth hurt, but that's a lecture for another day. The only silver lining is that now, you can actually walk, relatively unimpeded through the garage. No vehicle larger than a Vespa is ever going in it, but at least you can walk from the garage entrance to the house entrance. Just wear your shoes.

And, oh yeah, we threw away the pool.

Lawyer humor, such that it is...

This is exerpted from a letter which we sent...names have been changed to protect the fisherman...

"As to the allegation concerning other employment without the firm’s consent, Mr. Davis did in fact act as a first mate on a fishing vessel four or five Saturdays during the summer of 2006. Mr. Davis undertook this activity as a favor to his friend who owned the boat and as an opportunity to get in some free fishing. He was paid in fish and still has some frozen in his freezer. Let us know how much fish the firm requires, and we will be happy to transfer said fish."

A mostly annoying Alex habit...

....is to make up information that he wishes were true. Although it does mean he could be president someday, mostly it is annoying. Today there were two: he put on a fake deep voice and told me about the commercial he had allegedly seen promising new Star Wars movies. "...and they're coming out, in like, a month." intoned this commercial through Alex. Then tonight he tried to tell us that his teacher had been so impressed with how the kindergartners were all so good today that they could take tomorrow off. He seems to like school well enough, but, like all of us, sometimes he just gets up in the morning and just wants to take a mulligan on the day.

Navel gazing

Well, now that my chance to become a millionaire by taking pictures of Suri Cruise is shot, my fallback plan is to write a book about the incompetence of the Bush administration/Iraq invasion. You could fill my Freestyle with these books that were published just in the last six months or so, so I'm thinking this is the peak time. But if me and the other run-o-the-mill Democrats are displeased, this guy is seriously unhappy. If you've got 8 minutes and 45 seconds to spare, I do recommend it.

Of Friends and Girlfriends

So Alex has started kindergarten. He is packed off every day with his Buzz Lightyear lunchbox and preppy monogrammed bookbag I got him, and he seems to be doing just fine there. If you press him for details, he'll usually come up with something very mundane and procedural.

He has taken a liking to this kid in his class named Greer. I asked him today if he had any other friends besides Greer, and he said Greer was still his only friend at kindergarten. Then he was explaining to me that we shouldn't start walking home with our neighbor Kirsten because they have so much fun together that they wouldn't even be able to walk. (Alex likes to make a fuss about how hard the .5 mile walk is. This is a child who will cheerfully play for ten straight hours.) So, I was teasing him about how he should get a girlfriend in his own class. "I already have a girlfriend, mom. It's Meg. And she's friends with Hope. And with Jordan. And they're my girlfriends too." So why didn't he list them as his friends in the first place? Because, mom, FRIENDS are BOYS. GIRLFRIENDS are girls. Duh.